So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Randomize
