I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
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