when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
