he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
