If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
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