Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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