he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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