I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
