The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
