My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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