Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
