drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
