Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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