nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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