What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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