I just cut my nipple shaving
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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