The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Randomize
