I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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