so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
