the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize