Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
