i just wanna soil my oats bro
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Randomize
