there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize