My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
