I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
You pole danced in your parka.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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