THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
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