I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
