Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Randomize
