I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
the night ended with taco bell and tears
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
