you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I want a musical about memes.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
