I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
