yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
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