the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
