She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I wish there were birth control emojis
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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