Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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