It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
