it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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