I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
this will be a night to untag.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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