oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
