She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
