I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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