no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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