Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
