she looked like the bat from fern gully.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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