can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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