i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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