I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
