My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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