dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Randomize
