And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
