4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
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