My hand turned me down
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
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