I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Randomize
