EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
