I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
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