i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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