So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
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