How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
