My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
