The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
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