what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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