Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
