I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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