there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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