my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
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