She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
